Retirement....For Now Anyway

Haven't had much to write about lately, life's been getting in the way. I think I might take a short break for a while. Catch ya later!

Just Saying "Hi"

I realized I hadn't written anything in about a month. Hmmmm. Actually, I started a poem, but haven't figured out how to finish it yet. And I'm working on something else, but don't expect it to be done for at least a year, if not longer. So I just wanted to say hello.

An Interesting Phrase

For some reason, the phrase "just yesterday" sparked some kind of strange awareness in me and I started writing. The following words are not of my own experience, but of what I imagine might happen to a person who experiences a personal crisis. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but, hey, whatever, right?

Just Yesterday

Just last week I cancelled lunch with some old friends that
I hadn't seen since college because I had so much work to catch up on
That I couldn't spare an hour to renew our relationships and I knew I'd have
Another chance the next time they were in the area.

Just this past weekend I didn't go to church because I wanted to sleep
A little bit longer instead of dressing up to go and worship God and I
Missed seeing people who would have greeted me with a smile and a handshake
Or a hug, because Sunday is my only chance to get extra rest.

Just yesterday I trudged distractedly down the street with a scowl on my face
Hurrying to work or school or an appointment or a meeting
With no thought towards the day except to be frustrated
That it was raining and I'd forgotten my umbrella.

Just last night I was too busy doing laundry or cooking dinner or
Watching television to pay attention to my children when they tried to
Talk to me and I missed seeing their smiles and hearing their stories and they were
Sleeping before I slowed down enough to listen.

Just this morning I was so busy cursing and yelling when I burned my mouth
Drinking coffee that was too hot and then dropping the mug so that it shattered
On the floor that I ignored my spouse's words of comfort and walked away angry
Bruising his heart more than my tongue.

Just today I was told that the doctors couldn't help me and they were simply
Counting the days, hours, minutes I had remaining and I
Realized that all of those little things I had thought were so annoying were
Moments I wished I could have back.

And tomorrow? Just tomorrow, please let it be an instant, a day, a year, a lifetime
Where I can laugh, love, cry, worship, run, jump, sing, APPRECIATE
And wake up grateful for the experience because, who knows when it will be forgotton as
Just yesterday?

Book Review - "My Hands Came Away Red"

I just finished reading an interesting novel about the violence in Indonesia and how a fictional group of teenagers on a summer Chirstian mission trip survived through a tumultuous time. Very thought-provoking and definitely worth the read. Normally I'm a person who likes a good romance where the boy and girl get together at the end of the story and every thing is right with the world. This isn't that kind of story. But I'd definitely recommend it for anyone who likes an adventure that isn't necessarily happily-ever-after. If you have the time, or can make the time, this is a book that you shouldn't miss.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp?WRD=My+Hands+Came+Away+Red/

Life and Death

My grandmother died last Monday.
My sister is going to have a baby this coming Thursday.
I know that I'm not the first to have this thought, butit struck me as odd/interesting/strangely cyclical how the two most important events in human existence, birth and death, can be so closely intertwined and yet appear to be such polar opposites. Death, by its very nature is an ending. It is the last page of the book, the final credits rolling at the end of the movie. And rarely do any of us leaving the theatre feel that we have reached the actual end. How can the story end here? Isn't the author planning another installment? Didn't the director leave room for a sequel? Maybe that's where the baby's birth comes in. Not a sequel, per say, but more of a continuation of the same story. Perhaps with a different director or author - one trained by the antecedent and therefore prepared with the history of the family, ready to rear the child on stories of our familial past in order to ready him to face the future. And perhaps the joy of the impending birth will help to hasten the healing process for the rest of us. Perhaps this was God's way of telling us that it will be okay - life goes on and we should live in the joy of this new life while remembering and then passing on to the next generation the joy of the life that has so recently moved forward in her journey. Grandma would have been the last person to want us to weep over her passing - after the initial cry, of course - she'd be the first to tell us that she's with God and the rest of her family now, and will eventually see all of us, including the newest member of our lives. Then she'd say she has better things to do than listen to us blubber over something that we couldn't control. She'd tell us to buck up, move on and get on with living our lives. And she'd say it with a smile on her face and a cigarette in her hand, just as irreverent as always.

Life Questions (Rambles of the Moment)

Should I want to have/be/do more in my life? I'm a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) and feel really lucky that I had that option. I think it's a really important job and generally fulfilling, but occasionally I can't help but wonder if I should be trying to "have it all," as the saying goes. For me, when I was about to have my baby, it was an easy decision to quit working. Of course, I think that was probably because I didn't really enjoy my job. It was definitely not what I would consider a promising career. But being lazy and not wanting to spend another 3 or more years in school, not to mention however many thousands of dollars it would take to get a new education, I haven't yet heeded that occasional urge to wade back into an educational forum to learn something different. And it seems so difficult to try to start something new. Is that me just trying to talk myself out of it, or trying to defend the decision not to go after it? Was giving up a career, even one that I didn't enjoy, really a decision at all? Or was it just me falling into a place where a lack of direction, born out of sheer boredom and an unwillingness to reasses my life and what I wanted from it led me to take the easier path and do nothing?

So I'm over 30 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm living up to the potential that everyone used to say that I had. Sometimes I wonder if it's even still there, or if it has slowly seeped away and even if I tried I'd never be able to achieve....whatever it is/was I supposedly had the potential to achieve. Maybe I just haven't found that perfect situation yet and my potential is still there - lying dormant for now, waiting for that "aha!" moment when it will wake up, stretch, take a deep breath and realize that "Yes! This is what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life!" I can't decide if I want that to happen at all, much less now or at some time in the future. Then again, why would I be thinking about it if I wasn't at some sort of crossroads, right? Hmmmm...maybe I just have too much time on my hands and should spend more time cleaning the house or getting the laundry done.

Untitled

I have no title for this. I can't seem to describe what this feels like to me.

Speak softly, whisper sweet,
soon dream of gold and silver stars.
Breathe slowly, breathe deep,
held close in warm and loving arms.
Murmer gently, release a sigh,
your troubles left outside the door.
Close your eyes, calm your mind,
here's respite from all cares and woe.
Prayers sincere, prayers of love,
lift to Glory on white-tipped wings.
Peace drifts in, Heaven waits above,
embrace the solace that it brings.
Accept your blessings, let faith abide,
share in His gifts, His Word, His might.
Believe His promise, stand at His side,
walk in His grace, shine with His light.